My Day...

"If you think there's something you need in order to be happy, then you believe you lack. Then believing you lack, you will create more lack." ~ Marianne Williamson

So, today is my 43rd birthday. I don't know if you have noticed, but I didn't get what I want for my birthday.

And, I know why...

When I was 21, my boyfriend (who became my first husband) and I were living paycheck to paycheck. Not that this wasn't supposed to be the case at this age of our lives, I get that is the norm for that stage of life. But I didn't like it. I didn't like worrying about money. So, I sat down one day (I can literally recall the exact moments of the day down to what I was wearing, where I sat, and what the sun was doing) to figure out our situation. And I did just that. I wrote our budget, put us each on an allowance (something that served us VERY well in our adult lives and marriage) and gave it up. Literally, gave it up. I gave it to God and never wanted for money again, even still to this day. Money does nothing to motivate me (that's why I don't "do sales") nor does it make me jealous, nor do I want for more (or less) than I have.

That was 22 years ago, and I can honestly say that I have never wanted again for money. Sure we have times of highs and lows in a year of spending - too much this month, extra this month - but it's all cyclical and I don't stress, worry or want for any more than what we/I have in that budget month.

Then again, 10 years later, I realized that my love life was not the grandest version of itself that I thought God had intended for me to experience. Afterall, I am a very love-filled person! I have experienced a most beautiful love from my relationships with my sisters, my friends that I have been graced with since I was 13 years old, and my family (parents, grandparents, and aunties alike) and they all showed me what love is - both giving and receiving! After a VERY long struggle with this decision, I requested a separation from my (now ex-) husband. I just gave up the struggle. I gave up WANTING to be loved differently than I was (by him). And God stepped through my pain (and boy there was a lot!) and I let it go. No, I'm not kidding. I let it go -- completely. I accepted that I experienced a love that served me (still to this day) to a very kind man who just wasn't meant to be with me. And within a few months of me completely letting go of it, my life became completely and exactly as filled with love as I could handle! I got to experience more time and love with my family and most specifically with my nieces and nephews and sisters. I got to date for fun and companionship - not to find another husband (which, if you are paying attention to what I am saying, you know is the exact reason I married John). And I got to learn more about myself than most people will in a lifetime of searching. And I got to reconnect with my friends who had loved me for more than 20 years. Because I stopped wanting.

So on this day of my 43rd birthday, what I am clear about is that I want a great job. I am also clear that this (wanting) is inherintly the problem. I am also clear that until the peace about this phase of my life becomes who I am BEING, it will continue to elude me. And God doesn't do this FOR me, but rather in partnership WITH me. One of my favaorite bible passages is in Philippians (4:6), "Do not be anxious about anything..." and is furthered in verse 12: "...I have learned to be content whatever the cirumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty...the secret of being content...whether living in plenty or in want...do everything through him...."

I didn't get what I want for my birthday. But I did get two daughters jumping out of bed to wish me a happy birthday as their first words of the day. And I did get a perfectly lovely man/technician (reminded me of my brother-in-law, Kevin) to work on our cable (ha! when does that happen, ever?!). And I did get three birthday phone calls already singing their love-felt Happy Birthday songs to me from my Momma and two of my best friends of the last 29 years! Maybe it's not that I didn't get what I wanted for my birthday, but rather that I got exactly what I needed to fill my heart with love for yet another day in the love-FILLED life of me!