The month of ME!

I just read, in one of my favorite writer's blogs, that her birthday is (also) in February. She calls it the "Month of Dani". Not in a selfish way (but instantly women want to think that, I'm sure, as we can't possibly build each other up to greatness, but rather instinctively seek to diminish or at the very least read that from fear that she must think she is better than I/we am/are). Instead, in a self-centered, as in she is fully centered on her self and who she is. Self-centered. Self-Aware. And even possibly in love with herself - enter large gasp here. Well then, it goes to reason that February would also be the month of Tracey, and therefore I am starting "my" month with this new avenue to find greatness, passion and (simply put) a great job.

So, in this the month of my 43rd year on Earth, I am struggling with desire for greatness vs the ability to secure it. You see, while many women define themselves by their children, hobbies, their husbands, I have never been able to do that. Instead, I have always desired to define myself by what I do, have done, my actions, and what I am a stand for. Sure, I'm proud of my daughters, my "other-daughters", my nieces and nephews - who are all a reflection of me and how I have helped to raise them - and I'm proud of who my husband is and love to "brag" that he still rubs my feet all the time, even after 10 years, and who I am also a reflection of...but WHO I AM and what MY actions are is how I choose to define my-SELF. And quite frankly, I am very passionate about work.

My mom and dad were/are such good examples what it means to be hard-working. As a carpenter, my father defined long hours and physical exertion at work. And perfection. Did I mention his pursuit of perfection? My mother doesn't seem to know that her whole life she has been barely 5'4/120 pounds as she will literally carry any amount of weight, do any task, and never ask for help ('cuz she doesn't need it) and she never sits still or waits for someone else to do something for her and she has a hard time quieting her brain because she is so creative. They are also smart people. So I have, at my core, a learned desire to work hard, use my brain, be creative, and motivate people. I love work. I love to work hard. Go home. Love and play hard. Sleep well and go back to work the next day. I love to make a difference at my job. I love to inspire people to be better at what they do either by my example or by my coaching.

So why is it that I am now struggling to get back to work. It is not for a lack of desire - that much I am sure of. When I quit my job to find a job that is "as big as I am", I never thought I would be still looking for it - five (+) months later. And I am. I have been courted by my ex-employer (who I have always loved working for) several times only to be left in the aisle. I have even "stalked" the man/employer that I want to work for (passionately)...but to no avail. I have been on very few other interviews and have (lovingly) even blown some of them intentionally as soon as I figured out that the job was not enough for me. I recently told a recruiter (can we talk about what a lovely lady SHE was!?) that I am a fascinating person -- and I meant it and we both laughed at both the boldness of the statement and the fact that it is true!

I want to go back to work and I want to do it now! I enjoyed my time off and taking (amazing) care of our home, but I'm finished with what I wanted to accomplish in our home and ready to go! My friend said to me yesterday that the reason I am so anxious and restless is that "this (being home during the day) is not where I'm supposed to be anymore". She's right. It's not. It's not that I couldn't be a stay-at-home-mom (or that she was saying I couldn't find peace doing just that), it's that I have chosen not to be, and there isn't peace for me in staying home, not working. Maybe that too is "self-centered", but I need something different. I have chosen that I need my work(s) to define who I am.

So I seek to find peace until I find that great job. My husband told me that in making the decision to leave my last employer, that I left not from fear but from love and that we would be just fine and that I didn't have to settle until I found a great job. He's right, but peace about that still eludes me. Am I the only one who knows how great I am (at work)? Am I doing something wrong in my search? Is my resume or cover letter not good enough to speak to who I am? Do I have to shoot myself out of a rocket to make people notice me? And how much longer will my husband be at peace that he supported my decision? Uggh.

Well, of one thing I am sure. I had an unbelievable job once before where the leader of the company saw greatness in me and demanded it from me every day (he still does that today as one of my closest friends) and I lived up to his demands. And I fostered in that environment -- lit up by the demands of being a leader, creative thinker, job-getter-doner (it's a word), and committed employee. I will choose not to settle for anything less. And in the words of Nelson Mandela, I will not play small or settle for a life that is less than what I am capable of living, for there is no passion in doing so.

But in the stillness of my head, I still hear the dwarfs..."Hi Ho, Hi Ho...it's off to work I go"....