My favorite quote (or reminder as I like to think of them)...

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.” (Marianne Williamson - A Return to Love)

Friday, February 5, 2010

My Day...

"If you think there's something you need in order to be happy, then you believe you lack. Then believing you lack, you will create more lack." ~ Marianne Williamson

So, today is my 43rd birthday. I don't know if you have noticed, but I didn't get what I want for my birthday.

And, I know why...

When I was 21, my boyfriend (who became my first husband) and I were living paycheck to paycheck. Not that this wasn't supposed to be the case at this age of our lives, I get that is the norm for that stage of life. But I didn't like it. I didn't like worrying about money. So, I sat down one day (I can literally recall the exact moments of the day down to what I was wearing, where I sat, and what the sun was doing) to figure out our situation. And I did just that. I wrote our budget, put us each on an allowance (something that served us VERY well in our adult lives and marriage) and gave it up. Literally, gave it up. I gave it to God and never wanted for money again, even still to this day. Money does nothing to motivate me (that's why I don't "do sales") nor does it make me jealous, nor do I want for more (or less) than I have.

That was 22 years ago, and I can honestly say that I have never wanted again for money. Sure we have times of highs and lows in a year of spending - too much this month, extra this month - but it's all cyclical and I don't stress, worry or want for any more than what we/I have in that budget month.

Then again, 10 years later, I realized that my love life was not the grandest version of itself that I thought God had intended for me to experience. Afterall, I am a very love-filled person! I have experienced a most beautiful love from my relationships with my sisters, my friends that I have been graced with since I was 13 years old, and my family (parents, grandparents, and aunties alike) and they all showed me what love is - both giving and receiving! After a VERY long struggle with this decision, I requested a separation from my (now ex-) husband. I just gave up the struggle. I gave up WANTING to be loved differently than I was (by him). And God stepped through my pain (and boy there was a lot!) and I let it go. No, I'm not kidding. I let it go -- completely. I accepted that I experienced a love that served me (still to this day) to a very kind man who just wasn't meant to be with me. And within a few months of me completely letting go of it, my life became completely and exactly as filled with love as I could handle! I got to experience more time and love with my family and most specifically with my nieces and nephews and sisters. I got to date for fun and companionship - not to find another husband (which, if you are paying attention to what I am saying, you know is the exact reason I married John). And I got to learn more about myself than most people will in a lifetime of searching. And I got to reconnect with my friends who had loved me for more than 20 years. Because I stopped wanting.

So on this day of my 43rd birthday, what I am clear about is that I want a great job. I am also clear that this (wanting) is inherintly the problem. I am also clear that until the peace about this phase of my life becomes who I am BEING, it will continue to elude me. And God doesn't do this FOR me, but rather in partnership WITH me. One of my favaorite bible passages is in Philippians (4:6), "Do not be anxious about anything..." and is furthered in verse 12: "...I have learned to be content whatever the cirumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty...the secret of being content...whether living in plenty or in everything through him...."

I didn't get what I want for my birthday. But I did get two daughters jumping out of bed to wish me a happy birthday as their first words of the day. And I did get a perfectly lovely man/technician (reminded me of my brother-in-law, Kevin) to work on our cable (ha! when does that happen, ever?!). And I did get three birthday phone calls already singing their love-felt Happy Birthday songs to me from my Momma and two of my best friends of the last 29 years! Maybe it's not that I didn't get what I wanted for my birthday, but rather that I got exactly what I needed to fill my heart with love for yet another day in the love-FILLED life of me!

1 comment:

  1. Happy Birthday my newly tech savy beautiful bronzen blonde lover!