Change or Clarity?

"We did not change as we grew older; we just became more clearly ourselves." ~Lynn Hall

On Friday, I visited with Dani and Carolyn from Three Sisters' Spirit. They offered to do a card reading on me. Sure I say! I've never had one and I believe that there are all sorts of different energies in God's beautiful world, so who am I to doubt this kind?

Within minutes I was crying. Minutes.

The "cards" told the story of this woman who was busy in the corporate world (literally the KING showed up in that space...what's higher than the King?). That was the life being left (apparently). And, true to my word to you, the money card showed that all would be taken care of and fine (well of course it would, I gave that up two decades ago). And then the new story unfolded of "this woman". The creativity card showed up twice and that "she" would be coveted by all of the people in her life that loved her, especially the women. Surrounded by them. Raised up by them and flowing in her creative spirit!

Now there is more to say than this, but I'm new to this and these are the parts that resounded over and over again in my brain for the last three days. In telling you, I hope I did the experience justice and gave it its due power, because truth be told, it can be a little overwhelming (especially since I didn't take notes)! Heck, I couldn't even explain it to my husband.

It's hard for me to imagine that my place in the world is not "at work" -- and by that, I mean someone else's work. It's hard to let go of the desire to lead teams and departments at work and inspire my co-workers to do a great job each day. Really hard. Because I liked that life. No, I LOVED that. I liked being proud of "my staff" and I liked being that kind of important. And if I'm not that, what am I?

Well, I'm not entirely sure...yet. But the 5 of Hearts showed up in a critical spot between the two stories and that, I have learned, is the card of change. And the 5 of HEARTS no less - HEARTS! I wept. It felt like something came over me that said "it's going to be alright...in fact, better than alright...Grand!" I'm weeping now just typing this. "Let it go" I keep hearing. "Give it to God". "Follow your joy". "Let it go.............."

Not sure how to do that??! How do I? How can I let go? How will my husband and children and father and mothers and sisters and friends and brother & sisters in laws and nieces and nephews and aunties and grandparents be proud of me if I do? Why does letting go feel like I failed? I'm overwhelmed by my feelings right now.

At the end of my reading(s), Carolyn said that she can see that I am on a (are you ready for this) Quest that feeds my soul. Huh. I've been saying for months that I am on a quest to find a great job. Maybe I got the path wrong? We BOTH used the word "quest".

Pedro told me on Friday that it seems to him that I am having a "crisis between my heart and my soul" and that my soul may just be saying "I'm not going with you". He challenged me to look at who is looking for the answers -- my soul or my ego. And ironically, just two hours before my reading w/ Dani and Carolyn, he suggested that possibly what is so upsetting to me is that my soul has declared that my past work life, since Wilderness, doesn't truly work any longer and that is just upsetting to someone like me because I don't have the next thing yet. And possibly in that phone call to my husband to tell him I could no longer take this (perfectly good) job, that what I was really doing was declaring to the universe that it wasn't working and that petty work doesn't work for me. Declaring to the universe and God that I was standing for something greater.

And perhaps what is really happening is that I am becoming more clearly myself. Molly (you know her by now, right...my "it", my "voice") hopes you will all still be proud of her.

Tracey knows you will be.