Never Enough

"Never Enough"

I often ask myself, how much love do you think you can cram into this life? The answer always seems to be "never enough". When my step father was diagnosed with brain cancer, we were in denial that he had only so long to live. I was SOOO in denial that I didn't even read the Christmas card he and my mom gave me that year because he wrote heartfelt words in the card and I was convinced somehow that if I didn't read it, and how he felt about me, that all the "drama" would go away. He died May 13th, 1993. I have only read the card once but still hold it as a treasured possession to this day.

I realized that while I had spent a lot of time with my mom, step-dad, and my sisters when they came up, I had let my friendships drift. I'm not sure if that was simply a matter of the distance (as we lived and hour plus north of them now) or just how life tends to go. Or both. Or maybe, I thought, neither. Maybe it was due to lack of effort. I started to look at that as the answer.

When Dave died, I was 26. Not really well versed in the whole funeral protocol and in fact, Dave is STILL the only person in my life/family that has died (not including my spouses' family or my friends' families)...other than the occasional great uncle that I didn't know very well. My best friends didn't really even know of the funeral and they were not pleased with me and in fact one of them said, just because we don't see you often doesn't mean we don't love you.

That's funny cuz that's kinda exactly what I thought, sorta. I mean, I didn't blame them or myself, I just thought this is what people do in life. It's not. As a possibility, people love and it is endless and infinite and you can NEVER get, give, or have enough. They were right...they wanted to be there for me and my family who they loved so much and had most of their lives (after all, they had been around since Jr. High!!). And I essentially took that gift from them because of my thinking, or rather, lack thereof.

I've learned from this lesson and believe very strongly that life must be lived outloud with as much love as you can possibly fit in it. Keep asking for more cuz it will keep giving! And I do. I have earned the title of "Sally the Cruise Director" because I think it is one of the most important things I/we do -- plan for the next luvin', as we call it. Not like I'm looking for the next best thing -- but instead, like it was soooo good, I can't wait to have more.

This past weekend was filled with just about as much love as I could possibly fit into one space. James and Lisa came to play on Friday afternoon and stayed for luvin' until the next morning. We talked, swam (floated really), drank festive beverages, talked, played, shopped, golfed, ate...you get it. And my sister-in-law, Julianne joined us for even more luvin' on Friday night! The next day, Keith and Randy came up from Chicago for more floating, eating, drinking, talkin', plannin', luvin'. Then on Sunday, we went and played at Rhonda and Michele's and Chelley's family was there and Momma Ev, and Chelley's parents, and there was old friends from HS I never see, and there was love everywhere! On Monday, I was a bit pooped, but did miss that I didn't go see the fireworks with my sister and dad/mom....after all, there was more love to have, right?!

The other day, Annie went to an open gym in Mukwonago (not where she goes to school, but ironically where I went to school and where my sister's kids do/will go). I asked her how it was and while she didn't like the structure of the program (which I totally get) she also commented that not one girl even said HI to her. I asked if she said HI to any of them, which you know the answer to. I don't believe in waiting for someone to say HI to me first, or to get around to planning the lunch we "should do". Just grab life's reigns and giddy-up people! People simply don't say HI, because they haven't been taught that people don't inherently dislike them, or that they are worthy or valued, or that if nothing else, it's just good manners. Insecurities suck and they keep people from experience love -- a lot of love.

It has been 17 years since my step-father's death. The people I love will be the first people I call should anything tragic happen again in my life. They will also be the first people I call to play with, to laugh with, to tell stories to, to share joy with and possibly the only person who said "HI" to them today.