My Journey Not to Settle...anymore!: Tears

My favorite quote (or reminder as I like to think of them)...

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.” (Marianne Williamson - A Return to Love)

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Tears

"Heaven knows we need never be ashamed of our tears..." ~ Charles Dickens

I've noticed as each year passes that I am able to cry with much more ease. All jokes about peri-menopause aside, I don't fear crying anymore. I used to. But I'm not afraid to cry anymore - ever. Though I do make fun of myself when the Huggies commercial comes on and the baby's diaper doesn't fit her, but otherwise I have an entirely new view on it.

I think that I am not afraid to cry anymore because for the last dozen or so years, I have been a work in progress and my biggest exercise has been in authenticity. So inauthentic was the old me that friends and I have named my "old" personality, Molly. That bi_ch never cried. Well she couldn't. She was too busy being tough, ever-strong, the leader -- cold if you ask me (now).

Truth is, I think crying, in any form, is the authentic self coming to the surface. Holding it back, keeping it down, trying to stop or hide it is disingenuous. You want to cry, you want to feel, you want to experience. So why then do we make up stories that we can't, shouldn't, won't?

I want to spend the second half of my life paying attention to my life, feeling all that I can, and learning who I am in that moment. I want to feel like I am a tough, brave, strong woman when I cry because I tell my daughters how much I love them, or when the stress is too much to bear some days, or when my cats are so stinkin' cute and loving that I want to burst, or when the character in the movie/book/story dies or suffers in some way or better yet celebrates joy. I want to feel all that there is to feel in that moment.

I'm not ashamed to cry anymore. I'm not ashamed to cry while talking to you, or sitting quietly by myself, or watching a movie. I'm just not. But it does weird me out when "you" look (stare) at me when I am. I don't want "you" to not see me, I just want you to know that the woman you are looking at isn't afraid to BE my authentic self. I'm not afraid to experience all of my emotions. And I hope when you are done staring, you will see a part of your own self that just missed out on the experience, because "you" chose to be something other than free to cry, free to feel, while you were staring at a woman not afraid to show her heart to you.