My Last Blog Post

"The best day of your life is the one on which you decide your life is your own. No apologies or excuses. No one to lean on, rely on, or blame. The gift of life is yours; it is an amazing journey; and you alone are responsible for the quality of it." ~ Dan Zadra

I now understand what Oprah meant and kept saying for the last year of her show. She spoke that she was not sad of it's ending, but rather that she released that energy for what will be next (I paraphrase, of course). Granted, I didn't have a world, life, and history changing "thing" going on here with my little blog, but I did have something that forged a difference for me.

This will be last (personal) blog post. I started this blog a few years ago with the intention of exposing my true self to great people that I wanted to work with and/or for, align myself with, and potentially open mySELF up to new possibilities and opportunities. I blog from my heart with my own sense of humor and lack of drama that I take on every day with. I spoke to an audience I didn't know was listening, but hoped cared. I didn't want to be a writer "when I grew up"...or I did. I didn't want to be an open book...or I did. I didn't want to be exposed, but I did.

I wanted to have an authentic side of me exposed without fast talking, interruptions, distractions, judgements, or the weight of anything else on my heart except keeping true to my commitment to show an authentic side of myself. I wasn't trying to help anyone else, just trying to grow my soul. I wasn't trying to change the world, just what my little part of the world was made up of. I was trying to explore new avenues, new comfort levels and new dedications to myself to BE.

In doing so, I have been blessed with new friends, I have learned much about myself, I have received a part of the hearts of my husband, my friends (& family friends), and I have learned much. In my blogging community, I have learned from the other strong, creative women I have come to call friends. I have learned new ways to look at things, new words, new opportunities and new strengths.

What I have struggled with the past year is the intention of this blog, trying on several occasions to realign myself with that. I have also struggled with the time it takes to "do" this blog. These two factors have proven to me that now is not the right time to force myself to continue. For in doing so, I have become counterproductive to what I have learned and experienced in this journey so far and have gone back to one who is always "Doing" vs someone who is "Being" - this being one of the biggest struggles of my life and one of the biggest rewards in having my blog (to date).

I am still going to keep Sally's blog as I am aligned with the intention of that blog/arena. It serves a purpose (to me) and I think of it as part of my job actually. I'm also going to continue to enjoy reading about the lives and spirits of the ladies I enjoy so much being a part of. I will continue to learn from them and interact in this avenue for as long as they will have me. I will also try to continue to let my heart come from an authentic place of speaking.

This leg of my journey has in fact shown me some of what I was hoping it would, albeit not the way I was expecting it to turn out. Nonetheless, I am forever changed by the journey. I won't make any more apologies or excuses for this blog and my responsibility to it. I am releasing this energy, and forgiving myself for not being able to "keep my commitment". And even that I am releasing. There were no rules to this, just my insane pressure cooker of a mind that says I have to do it because I started it. What I fail at seeing, so often, is that I am also responsible for ending it/something, and that is completion too.

As one of my best friends always tells me, "release any energy you no longer need, back into the earth". So I shall.

Thanks for Taking My Call

My mom called me the other day, during the work day, and I answered. She thanked me for taking her call. Uggh. What has life come to when my own Momma has to thank me for taking her call "since I'm so busy". Uggh. I used to call her EVERY Tuesday on the way home from work. Now she's lucky she "got in".

Well that is unacceptable and I need to shape up! Your momma should feel first...not convenient. Just talking to her for the five minutes I did made me giggle out loud and of course made me miss her more (she lives in Georgia). I'mma gonna change my naughty behavior and I post this for you (all) to hold me accountable and also to serve as a reminder to love your momma, or those that are like Mommas to you, right now. Now.

Now.

Don't make me come up there!

My post from Monday that I was too busy to finish! :o)

MONDAY: Another Monday and the running has begun. I'm sitting here getting my oil changed at 10:00 in the morning and my brain won't relax at all. Maybe that's ok, but I feel like I'm gonna run out of ink in my pen and certainly gonna run out of paper to write the barrage of sh-tuff in my little brain.

I find it kinda funny that I work so stinkin' hard to have fun. So today I will spend the entire day literally haulin' as#* (even faster than normal) so that on Wednesday I can enjoy a little pizza party with my Girl Scout troop, on Thursday I can be fully present and prepared (as well as possible) for the bakery's one year anniversary celebration (IKR!!!), and on Friday, leave right after school/work to go have our yearly weekend of fun with John's family. And somehow manage to not break out into hives!! I do it all the time! Kinda cracks me up but ma'an when it's time to play, I can definitely say "I'm all in!"!

FRIDAY: So it's now Friday afternoon and we are sitting in traffic on our way up north. Don't you find that ironic. HA! Sitting in traffic. Idol. Doing nothing but being being delayed from the weekend o' fun. The ironic-ness of that is so "in yo' face". Someday I'm gonna ask God why he thinks this kind of stuff is comical. Cuz you so know he is laughin' his fanny off...almost like he saw a 5' medal chicken at the pearly gates!! (had to do it Mar')!!! :o)

I Move and Breathe

"In God, I move and breathe and have my being." ~ Oprah

It goes without saying that I adore Oprah. I adore her heart, her intentions, her abilities, and on and on and on. Last week, while watching "Behind Season 25", Oprah was speaking of her last elevator ride (which she did by herself before every show) to do her last show. She uses that quick time to do a little prayer and center herself and her intentions for the show to come.

Needless to say, a lot was riding on the "last show". How would she go out? What was the intention of the show/finale? Did it line up with the intention of the last 25 years?

On that elevator ride, she said (in a meditative way) the quote above ~ "In God, I move and breathe and have my being." In this lifetime, I am certain that those words would never have come across my lips of my own doing, but now, it seems all I want to say to myself.

This has been a hard (almost one) year for me. Physically, emotionally, physically... :o) and I feel as though parts of my Being are coming back. I read a book! I had dinner last Saturday with two of my favorite people on the whole Earth! I sat, yes SAT, down one afternoon and simply read!

My husband said to me a few weeks ago (when I was whining about not having time to read anymore), to just "pick up the book and start...who cares when you finish, but you'll NEVER finish if you don't start". Huh, who knew? He's like a Monk or a Prophet or something, hey?

So it's like that for me now. At least for this stage. I shall just start "it", whatever "it" is. And I am certain that I shall be surprised at what happens. Maybe surprised isn't the right word. I shall be, what....pleased? Fulfilled? Dunno...but I do know that this feels like my being is getting back on track, so I shall move (forward) and breathe...In God.

And They're Off

Well, my girls are just hours away from taking a wonderful two week vacation to Europe! They are so blessed and I'm happy to report, they know it. They are thankful, appreciative, and realize how lucky they are. I have amazing teenage daughters and i am gonna miss the crap out of them!! So tonight, I am grateful for opportunities, for safe travel, and for love that makes my heart long for being together again!!

Article on Our Silver Award Project

My friend Mary reminded me that I didn't really share this with everyone yet. Our Girl Scout troop wrapped up their three years of working on our Silver Award project by remodeling, cleaning, organizing, etc. the home of a single mom, her three daughters (ages 18-24), her son who has Down Syndrome and his best friend who also has Downs.

They have been through a VERY rough past few years and I couldn't be more proud of what our troop and their families have done for this family. Truly amazing! Here is the link to the article written in the local paper. PLEASE make sure to click on and view the videos as Rudy and Ryan's reactions are so fantastic!!!

http://journaltimes.com/news/local/article_6f286106-9af2-11e0-9a86-001cc4c03286.html

I'm not gone, really!

Having one of those "Holy Crap" times in my life. Had to cut off the cake orders for the week (can't take another order!) and it was only Wednesday morning and today, had to cut off the bread orders for the rest of the week. Like I said - Holy Crap!

This week (two actually) is just overwhelming at the bakery and at home. But it's exciting too. Our Girl Scout troop is wrapping up three years of working on our extreme Mini-Home Makeover (all day on Saturday) and I am so excited to be helping this family!

I am also excited to see the permanent mark that will be imprinted on my (13) girls' hearts for having done this project. We are helping to fix up and improve a home that is owned by a single mom whose (3) adult daughters live at home (18-24) with her adult son who has Down Syndrome and his good friend who also has Downs. The girls were sexually abused by their stepfather (who is now in jail) and then there's the taking care of two disabled men. Good times! Well, we just know this weekend is gonna make all the difference to their lives and I for one am excited to "Move that Bus"!! :o)

That's all I have in me for tonight. Just wanted to check in, get in touch, be moved by all the fantastic women in my blog world, and feel the power of all the wonderful women I am inspired by reading from and writing to!

'Night!

Shame on Me

I should have grounded myself. Shame on me. My Momma called to chat a few days ago, and I took her call, but here's the thing....we were 1/3 of the way into a movie when she called. So I kinda "blew her off".

How dare I? How is a movie more important than talkin' with your Momma? How many of you don't even have your Mommas and I just dismissed mine. Uggh.

It made me cry that I did that. It's MORE proof that I am still busy DOING instead of BEING. F. I'm still ticked that I behaved in such a manner and I pray that I never do again.

What has our life come to when we don't have, or rather, don't TAKE the time to be in relation with the people that mean the most to us. I'm sorry Ma (although, ironically, she doesn't ever read my blog!) :o). I'm sorry I found something more important than you because, truth be told, there isn't. Anything.

And I accept my punishment...I'm SO in a time-out! 'Cept on this sentence, I get to have as many phone calls as I want!

Taking Time to Play

Today I am thankful for fun new games played with family! We played a new game with my sister's family called "Sign". What an absolute blast! Whoever is "it" has to try to figure out who has the sign and is trying to pass it to someone else. Get caught, and you're in the middle!

I love games! So today, I am thankful for fun, family, love, and taking time to play!

The Gift of Living Free of Fear!

My friend, Merry Me, got this email from her daughter this past week and I thought it was SOOO profound, so wonderful, so spot-on that I just had to share it.

The past 15 years of my life, I have be working on clarifying Love vs Fear -- in EVERYTHING, every action, every thought, EVERYTHING -- both mine and others'. It's a profound journey and one that I find that I am actually reaching some level of deep understanding of.

I get this to my core and I simply love, love, love these words that Ms. Wendell used to coach her mother!

Mom, I wish I could give you the gift of living free of fear.
There's just no need for this much fear unless you're being chased by a bear.
You're going to be wonderful, as you always are.
Just breathe into the anxiety, and trust that you're going to be okay.
Better than okay.
Don't empower the negative voice;
start hearing the voice you reserve for those you love.
The voice that peps me up and believes in me.
Turn it on yourself and feel the love and shine on.
Pardon my French, but f$*& the fear.
:) Love you.
You're awesome and are going to be great today.
Try to enjoy it rather than endure it.
~ wendell p. peptalk

Ma'an...she's good! Goosebumps good! "I wish I could give you the gift of living free of fear"!

Happy Birthday My Friend

Today I am thankful for my SIL and friend, Anastasia (or Lisa as the rest of the world knows her as)! It is her birthday today and I am hoping her day is filled with glitter and sparkles and smiles and sunshine all stinkin' day!

She is one of the most thoughtful people I have ever known and I am often the benefactor of her thoughtfulness, articulate planning, and moments of joy. I am also blessed to be one of the very few people in her life that she trusts and her heart only comes from love (NEVER, EVER fear) with me. I am forever blessed to have that gift in my life.

So, Sissy, cuz I know you are reading this...Happy 38th Birthday (again) :o). I hope your day is as wonderful as you are!! xxoo

Another Woman on this Path

My good friend is about to start the same journey that I started on nearly two years ago and what was the precipice to starting my blog. She has held a high ranking corporate job for the last few years that, in my opinion, has become what has defined her.

Quite literally, I felt like my friend died. In fact, for this past year, I thought to myself "huh, I never lost a friend a before". And I was learning to be OK with it. Not good, just ok.

I woke up a few weeks ago and thought that my decision to be OK w/ it didn't come from love but rather fear. So I sent her a card. A simple, say what friendship means to me and that I was thinking of her, card. Nothing beyond that mattered nor was anything else "true". Just that in my heart and for the past 15+ years, I have loved her. She was lost, and that didn't change my love.

I didn't like who she had become very much, but at her core, she was still funny, joy filled, and adorable. And I didn't have to like her in the moment -- much like y/our kids. You may not always like them in a moment here and there, but at your core, you are still love. And they are still love.

She is at a crossroads now. Her job is dissolving before she made the choice for it to (though she was on that path) and she is the bread winner of the family. The pressure will certainly become overwhelming very shortly. I hope, skip that...I pray that she will find a job that will use all of her skills, keep her home a little more with her babies, and will bring the joy back to her life at work. She's really so good at "work". And here's the thing, in all my life (w/ her) she has held two truths closely. One, she wanted to be a mom of twin boys. That almost happened, but God had a different plan for "them". The other is that she has always said that she wanted to be a business owner because she didn't want to just keep making someone else successful. She has never waivered from those two truths, so I hope that now is her time.

Either way, she is certainly on a path of discovery -- of self, of worth, of greatness. And I for one will be her to support her as I know all too well what this road looks like. I hope that she discovers, as Marianne Williamson says, that she is “powerful beyond measure” and to let her light shine and be brilliant!

How to Move

My heart is sad today. Some people very close to me really let me down and in the simplest way possible "let me down". I wasn't in want or wishing for anything - no presents/gifts or material things. Simply words from their hearts.

Seems so simple to have your heart show up and speak.

I won't accept excuses for this either for there are none. No story, no reason will be acceptable. Having said that, how do I move from this to forgiveness? That is my struggle today.

How to move from this to forgiveness...............

Their Friends

Ever since Mexico, I've been thinking about what great kids my girls are. On that trip, we did not have one, not one, disagreement, tiff, disciplinary "talk" -- nuthin'. A whole week completely surrounded by each other and never once did anyone ever change their tone. Now, don't get me wrong, I'm not delusional, I get that we didn't have the pressures of everyday life to cope with, but that's still a long time to be in each others' constant company and get along so wonderfully. They really are turning into such great teenagers and young women. Fun, gracious, curious, kind and loving.

When we came home, Annie had a friend (Carmel) over. And I couldn't help but find a smile across my heart at what a lovely young lady this, and her other friends (especially Anita, Christina & Emily) are. The same is true for Caroline. Her friends too, especially Kayla & Emily, are kind, outgoing, loving and gracious. I'm so happy for them. I'm so happy for us. I'm so happy that my girls will spend their teenage years with such "good girls" and the rest of their lives knowing they chose their friends wisely and will forever be changed for doing so.

I always tell them that it's about choices and we have the chance to make the right choice -- usually that is when I am angry and disciplining them for something, but in this case, I couldn't have made better choices for them. I'm so happy for the choices they made and continue to make in the friend department.

They are both also best friends with their cousin, Carolyn. The three of them together are truly an example of Love in Action. Carolyn (Boojie) pushes them to do new things, Caroline makes them laugh and be crazy and Annie keeps them on the right path. I love their dynamics and I love that they will forever spend the rest of their lives in love with each other -- challenging each other, helping each other, and enjoying each others lives together.

My children have definitely chosen from love, not fear, when it comes to those that fill that lives with joy. And I, for one, am SO enjoying how bright their lives are shining.

On the Mend...

I can't wink, but that' ok. I'm not 26 anymore - who the hell do I have to wink at? But it is getting old. Mostly cuz I have to say "Blueberry" about 20 times per day. You try doing that when your lips and tongue don't move! :o)

I am getting better though. I was told to expect this for 3-6 months. I'm giving myself about another week or so, but no matter, I'm wearing my contacts tomorrow even if only for a few hours! I still can't taste much besides salt (and EVERYTHING is salty except coffee...small blessings I guess, after all, I AM back on coffee!), my right side is still paralyzed though some movement is coming back, and folks CAN understand me better on the phone, and the overall "sick" feeling (chills, sweats, nausea) isn't fun at all yet definitely a HUGE improvement over a week ago. The pain isn't fun, but it's nothing an Advil a day can't help. Ironic that one could be paralyzed and yet feel pain??

So, almost over it. Enough already. Gonna do my very best to face the coming year with some social time scheduled in. Figured the best way to BE in BEING is to DO something about it. I'm having my very first social engagement on my day off since opening the bakery. YEAH! I'm going to go have lunch with my friend Dani and I'm so excited to say that! I'm going to have lunch with my friend. Well, I mean we're gonna have lunch and frozen Sangrias, but anyway you look at, I have scheduled some social fun time for ME on MY DAY OFF! I'm almost giddy (and you're all clear that it was Dani's idea and request, right? I would have just been stuck running errands or doing more crap that day had she not requested...eh, baby steps). It will be the start of something good, and new, and hell - the Doctor even practically prescribed it (less stress)! I should see if our Sangrias are covered under our insurance!

In all seriousness, it has been the hardest 8 months of my life but there is a light at the end of the tunnel and I see glimpses of "life" again. Hell, I even told my husband I know where I'm gonna pick to go when it's "my turn" for our fun, long weekend trips with James and Anastasia. Now THAT'S glimpses of hope people!

I'm on the mend. Thank God cuz I don't do sick very well! :o)

Busy People Never Get Sick

Busy people never, I repeat NEVER, get sick. Except of course when they're not busy, then look the hell out!

Uggh. So there we were minding our very own business, having a fun, uber-relaxing time under the Mexican sunshine, drinking as many different kinds of festive blue beveages as I could create, and then WHAM! "Um honey...I can't actually wink at you...or blink or move my lip or raise my eyebrow or smile or make kissy lips."

And now there's that.

Twelve hours later, two IV's in a Mexicana hospitale, and $18,000 Pesos later (don't do the math or you may puke!), I am taking a taxi back to the resort to let my poor family (who knew NOTHING!) that Ma was gonna be ok.

Well that was fun. And if only I were makin' any, ANY, of it up. Now don't get me wrong, the vacation, up until this point was literally Heavenly. Being diagosed with Bells Palsey (by the way, I don't even know how to spell it) on the other hand, not so much.

I've been told that "stress overload" is one of the main causes of said "sickness". Stress overload? Oh for god! I've been saying this for months now. As my friend Buttercup used to say - "Acknowledge and move on"! I get it, I'm stressed, but C'Mon! Like I need this sh*&! I soooo don't!

Truth be told, even through my humor about all of this, I am actually really sad about it. I'm sad that "I" scared my family. I'm sad that this is such an important story of our heavenly vacation. I'm sad that I'm not well and operating at 100%. And I'm sad that I'm sad and scared.

And puh-lease, it's just a little facial paralysis and some deafening numbing in my ear drum. Let's not get dramatic. But it still stinks and I still wish I didn't have it.

Oh, and by the way, having it SURELY isn't helping my stress levels out...not one little bit! :o)

MY Vacation Math

I don't know what's wrong with the rest of the world.

We leave for vacation on Monday, and by my calculations, that is just 4 days away. My family says that's "Tracey Math". What? Are you kiddin' me?! Thursday -1. Friday - 2. Saturday - 3. Sunday - 4. How hard is this people. It's surely not FIVE days! You most certainly DON'T count the day we are currently living and you sure as hell don't count the day you leave.

I rest my case.

I doubt that I have ever been more excited for a vacation - ever. I soooo want to pour my body over a lounge chair, grab BOTH of my books that I started THIS PAST SUMMER, and several festive beverages of my choice (all with long straws so as to not have to strain my neck to reach the frosty delight after delight), and my spray-on sunblock and assume the position! Ahhh....

I simply can't wait. I'm jumping out of my skin with anticipation. Heck, I bet with my way of doing math, it will be just 3 short days any minute now! :o)

Dear Lord...today I thank you for vacations, the ability to BE on vacation, and the ability to let everything else go.

Make Time for Quiet

"Make time for the quiet moments as God whispers and the world is loud."

For the past few years, I have truly believed that if you listen, you will "hear" God. While I was in between jobs this past year, I tried so hard to keep my house/world quiet. I wanted to be able to hear whenever he may be trying to say something. At times, you would have thought I was running a home for the deaf because it was so quiet here.

When I saw this quote today, it took me back to that level of peace...and unrest. I still think it's true, but now, I just find the quiet at different moments and places. Now, it usually comes at about 10:30 in the morning when the bakery is peaceful and quiet and I listen. It's not a long time before it changes, but in the quiet, I think it's true -- I think you can hear God. Sometimes he just reminds me not to forget the salt, but other times, I can actually hear him tell the "others" "she's doing well, she's gonna make this work, she's gonna fill this little corner with joy".

But that's usually only on the REALLY quiet days! :o)

Head and Heart Connection

I can't seem to connect my heart to my head anymore. At times, I see glimpses of the connection. I read some one's blog and it touches me or requires me think deeper. A child walks into the bakery and I get on their level and feel their un-fearing love and for moments, I can BE with them, in their love. I can cry at the sight of a card from my best friend or a quick little note or email from one of them or my sisters. But those moments are fleeting.

I know I have said this a lot lately and I'm not whining, just wishing (or rather wanting) to have that connection to me again. I know, I know -- stop wanting and it will be. Grrr. My mind just can't seem to stop "doing" and it is doing SO much that it feels like beauty has crept out of my self. Like my whole self is filled with To-Do lists and stuff that needs to go on them and get crossed off of them.

It feels like I have been UN-connected from so many people that I miss being with -- Lisa, Keith/Randy, Pedro/family, Billy, Ross, and on and on and on. I think about them daily and wonder if they are having fun today, or when we could possibly find time to be together again, or what monumental thing is happening for them (and by monumental, I mean ANY little ol' thing!). Then it starts to feel like making time to see them must be added to the To-Do list and the cycle continues.

I'm calling this my "Not a lot of space for grace" period. I can't wait for it to be over. I miss being quiet, still, beautiful, in love.

Want but Don't Need...Need but Don't Want

I've always believed, well at least since the age of 21, that when you stop wanting something God will provide "it". I mean truly, deep seeded, all the way to my core belief.

This weekend, we watched "Nanny McPhee Returns" and in that you learn that Nanny will stay when you need but don't want her and leave when you want but don't need her. Exactly!

Lately, the past year and a half of trying to figure out what's next for me which turned into me opening a bakery has been coming full circle and it's really making me want to punch someone. And I'm grateful -- not for the punching, for the full circle. I've received two emails this past week. One from "the guy who had to 'noodle'" over my coming on board and the other from the President and Owner of the last company I worked for. Both asking if I'd be interested in doing "something". Grrrr.

I'm flattered, and yes I want to do BOTH things, but did you (they) hear the part about the girl who runs this sassy little bakery? And you know why? Cuz I stopped wanting. All the way, deep seeded, to my core, stopped.

Maybe they thought I was kiddin' about the bakery thing. Huh. I wasn't. I've always been a woman of my word and a woman of action. But then again, that's probably why they contacted me.

She's here when you need but don't want her and leaves when you want but don't need her.....Fun ride. I'd like to get off now. Thanks.